Self-Destructive Logic

It has been over a week since the incident with the men in the truck, and it has definitely had what I feel is a negative impact on my recovery. My therapist reassures me that this is only a temporary setback, which she says is understandable, considering the amount of trauma work that we have been doing. I want to believe this, but I'm also finding it difficult to see around the logic that I am less likely to attract attract male attention, and therefore, less endangered, when I am underweight. I find this to be very reasonable. So reasonable, that all I can think about is how much I want to lose weight. I realize that perceptions are made out of experience, and we all make inferences out of them that influence our decisions, so this is the origin of my struggle.

During therapy this week, we talked about the rape, and how it coincided with the beginnings of puberty and my changing body. It makes sense that gaining a more womanly figure would make me feel less safe, and the comment made by those men has me feeling more vulnerable than ever. How do I challenge such a long held perception?

I'm mentally worn out by all of this, and feel unable to find my way to the place where I think that I should be. I restrict what I eat, telling myself that I can stop myself at a certain point because I have more knowledge...knowing very well that this is what the eating disorder wants me to believe. I beat myself up for listening, and for all of my ambiguous thoughts and feelings, but overpowering all else, is the fear that I will be unable to find my way back.