Here and Now

I have finished my work on journal #2800 today. Tomorrow it will begin it's journey, and I'm really hoping that I don't lose track of it, although the history of the 1000 journals project says that I will. Hopefully the survivors that contribute will find that some healing comes from speaking their truth. I was struggling with flashbacks and painful memories today. All that I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and drift as far away as possible, but instead, I opened up the journal, started cutting and sprinkling glitter, and when I was finished, I somehow felt connected to myself again. Healing takes time, but a little glitter never hurt anything either!

I feel alone and afraid. There are times when I'm still not in control of the flashbacks. The flashbacks that physically hurt are hard for me to pull out of, as too many of my senses are overwhelmed. How can I not be grateful for my ability to dissociate?

I just started reading a book called The Sexual Healing Journey; A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz. Our couples therapist recommended it awhile back, and I am just now feeling strong enough to delve into it, although there have been a few times when I have just had to put it down and cry. Right now I am reading a section about "learning to be in your body" which is something that I really struggle with. The author talks about how many survivors of sexual abuse cope with physical and emotional pain by "leaving" their bodies during the attack, tuning out body needs and disowning parts of their body as a way of surviving the abuse. This was something that I did while I was being raped, or anytime that I would experience flashbacks of the abuse, and at the time it definitely served a purpose. Unfortunately, this has become my automatic reaction to sexual intimacy, and as hard as I try to stay present, I am yet unable to do this. It is something that I...

Yum! Sanitized Tape Worms...Easy To Swallow...No Ill Effects! Sadly, I guarantee you that if this product was being sold on our drug store shelves, there would be people out there buying it! Speaking of strange and disturbing, I have had strangely disturbing dreams about food lately. (not that dreaming of food is all that unusual for me) I could go for days without food passing my lips, except in my dreams, where I would hungrily devour all of the food that I denied myself while awake. Morning would come, and with it, self-loathing and disgust, just for simply wanting. It has been months since I've had that type of food dream. I'm eating regularly, so there is no longer any reason to feed myself through my dreams, so I suppose that I'm trying to make sense of the strange dreams that I've had just recently. (If you have a weak stomach, turn back now!) In one of these dreams, I am choosing items from a cafeteria type setting, and as I place the items on my tray, huge sp...

I Write I choose a random page from the journal to begin a story that I have told before. Although still, I cannot speak most of these words aloud. A random page for a random crime. I remind myself as I write, that it was another place, another time. There is a phrase so often that I repeat in my mind, and as I write, it is the anchor that holds my pen to the page. "I am here, I am now." Angela Minard 2008

Easter Sunday Today it rains in Rome. March 23rd, 2008. Watching the clouds that cling to the stillness, behind the Basilica of St. Peter. It is 12:22 p.m. The bruised purple sky of dawn is soaking through my windows, and I am here, at home. Angela Minard 2008

My dear friend, Jessieh is going to design the cover art for the journal, so I will be sending it off to her as soon as I'm finished with it, but here it is in it's very stark, naked state.

Dave and I went out on a date Thursday night, and it was so nice to be out on our own. First we went to the movies and saw Juno , which we both really enjoyed. I want to see it again, it was that good! After the movie we went out to dinner, and just talked and talked. I had really missed that. It is hard to get involved in a deep conversation when you have a house full of kids ready to interrupt at any moment. After dinner, we met a few of Dave's friends at a sport's bar, watched some basketball, and had a few beers. It was a good time, and something that we need to do more often. I can't believe that my spring break is almost over. I also cannot believe that tomorrow is Easter. We always spend Easter at my brother and sister-in-laws, with all of Dave's family. I'm looking forward to seeing my neices all dressed up in their Easter outfits. My boys, on the other hand, will look like urchins, as they all refuse to dress up, and although we kept meaning to get haircuts...

I'm going to do a little bit of bragging right now because I think this is the first time that I've ever won anything before. Healing Through Creativity sponsored an art competition through their website http://healingthroughcreativity.org , so I sent in a few of my poems, and my poem Little Girl Lost won the writing portion of the competition. It makes me feel so great to know that through my poetry I can reach out and touch other people. Their website is a wonderful forum for trauma survivors and has great resources for help and healing. Stop by and check it out!

"The 1000 Journals Project is an ongoing collaborative experiment attempting to follow 1000 journals throughout their travels. The goal is to provide a method for interaction and shared creativity among friends and strangers. Those who find the journals add something to them. A story, drawing, photograph, anything really. Then they pass the journal along, to a friend or stranger, and the adventure continues." For more information about the book or documentary, go to http://1000journals.com ********************************************************************************** I thought that this was such a wonderful idea, especially for survivors of sexual abuse. So many of us keep our abuse a secret, but there is such freedom in breaking the silence. I kept my secret for almost thirty years, until it began to eat away at my soul. What I could not say out loud, I was able to write. I wrote every detail and memory that I could think of, and then I gave it to my therapist to read. ...

Ahhhh... Sweet sunshine! I feel excitement about this day for no particular reason whatsoever, and that in itself, makes me smile. It doesn’t really take much to make me happy. Just a little sunshine. I accomplished quite a bit around the house during the days of rain, so today I feel free to do whatever I damn well please! I’m not sure what that will be at the moment, but at least I know that I won’t have to get started on building that ark like I thought that I would. I will just see where this day takes me. I see my therapist and my nutritionist later this afternoon. I have been following my meal plan, and have even been able to incorporate some "fun foods" into my week, like candy at the movies, and jalapeno poppers, which I really love! Did I hear somebody ask what I have been knitting lately? Well, I just finished a light and airy white scarf for spring, and yesterday I started working on a purple chenille throw for the living room. Thanks for asking! Well, I’m off to s...

Dave and I have a couples therapy session this morning, and here I am in the early morning hours, trying to form full thoughts, and piece together in my mind exactly what it is that I want to say when I get in there. I so often feel like our relationship is that of parent/child, not husband/wife, and trying to figure out all of the reasons why I feel that way. Maybe it is the lack of freedom that I feel. Having to account for every single thing that I do, where I go, every penny that I spend, how I spend and manage my time. Having to give reasons for all of that, and feeling like those reasons are never good enough. Dave has said that I am not who he married, and I wonder what it is that he misses. He fears that he is losing me, just when I have finally found me. None of this probably makes any sense, but I have faith that we will find our way, and really, that is all that matters. Maybe it is in this process of growth and change that I feel the need to fight for freedom.

I've eaten well this week, and I tell myself that this is good, but still... I am afraid. I'm afraid to get undressed, to take a shower, to look at or even touch my body in any way. Claudia's voice whispers. It is an angry, hissing whisper, which tells me; she too, is filled with fear. Marya Hornbacher, author of the book Wasted says, "The voice of the eating disorder is stronger than any other voice in the world. I can only imagine, but it's got to be like the call of heroin, or alcohol, if you're an alcoholic or an addict. You will put aside everyone and everything, you will do exactly what you know is not right, for this voice. I called my eating disorder "The Bitch". She sort of sat on my shoulder and hissed in my ear. I mean, this is not hallucinating that there's someone on my shoulder hissing in my ear. But it really does feel like there is someone always behind you, watching what you do." I agree. The voice of my eating disorder is s...

This week has been filled with peace and contentment, along with sorrow and loss. The peace has come with the beginnings of acceptence and nurturing myself. In therapy, we have been talking about the ways in which I use my eating disorder to communicate. I use it to say,"take care of me, pay attention to me, leave me alone, listen to me..." I thought that it gave me power and control over my life, but all that it really gave me was a place to hide. Peeking out from behind the safety of my fortress, I'm daring myself to take some risks, and learning that my voice alone is strong enough to be heard. Even the sorrow and loss that I have felt has been different. It was different once I could accept it without the secret hope that I could go back and change it. The sadness is part of the past, and has nothing to do with the life that I am presently living, and when I can remind myself of that very basic fact, I am filled with peace.

It was a beautiful day spent with people who make me smile. I love this girl!

I would literally squeeze my eyes closed as tightly as I could and count to ten when the memories would threaten to creep in. Sometimes the flashing images in the darkness would buzz so loudly in my ears, and I would have to get away, seperating from myself once again. It is the child who can will their own escape; Drifting dreamless, until the fear finds a secret place to hide. The darkest secrets, living in silence, will suffocate your soul. Freedom speaks.

I started a blog on myspace almost a year ago, titled Conversations With Claudia , and this was my first post. Who is Claudia? She is not my friend, but she has been a part of my life for a very long time. She is the voice of my eating disorder. A voice that over time, has crowded out my own thoughts and beliefs. I'm hoping that someday I will leave her behind. I have an amazing therapist and also a nutritionist who thought it would be a good idea to give my eating disorder a seperate identity from myself. It would be a way to delineate between my own voice and the voice of the eating disorder. I'm finally beginning to see how often Claudia talks to me. She is bossy, demanding, snide, snotty, and degrading. She is also the one with the control most of the time, but I know that needs to change if I am to survive. I remember the first time she spoke to me. I was seven years old, sitting in church, and looking down at my thighs as I sat in the pew. "Your legs are so fat,...

Happy Birthday Logan. I love you more than words can ever say! Silent Boy Silent boy, eyes so blue, let me see inside of you. All of the times you look away. I know you have so much to say. It's not fair, locked inside. You can't find the words sometimes. Expectations... Demands are made. Thoughts get stuck inside your brain. Reach out your hand. Feel the heart we could share. Trust... Believe... Always yearning to hear the sound of your dreams. Angela Minard 2007

Last night's therapy session was one of the best that I have ever had. I'm feeling very excited and hopeful right now. We talked about the reasons for holding on to my eating disorder and what purpose it is serving me at this point. I don't need it to help me cope with the rape anymore. I was having a hard time seeing the eating disorder and the rape as seperate entities; believing that the rape was the only reason for my eating disorder, but it is not. For a long time I also used it as a way to feel superior, and that is a very hard thing to have to admit to myself. In my mind, being fat meant not being good enough, and I felt like I was good at nothing. It gave me a false sense of power, and was the only special gift that I believed I could truly possess. So why am I still hanging on to it now? Those are no longer my beliefs. They are just old ideas that no longer serve a purpose, and it sounds so simple, but my therapist said, " So maybe now you can think about lett...

Publishing update: I just found out that the poem Together We Are Strong is going to be published in the You Are Not Alone newsletter this month. Also two of my poems are being published in the book You Are Not Alone vol. 2 , which is coming later in 2008. It will consist of a book filled with stories, poems and artwork from women who are either recovered or in recovery, as well as a companion CD, which includes eating disorder recovery support songs. Profits are donated to eating disorder non profits organizations to help and support those struggling with eating disorders and to raise awareness. For more information, go to http://www.youarenotalonebook.com/

I woke up this morning feeling angry, although I'm not really sure why. Maybe as I type, I will figure it out. Yesterday I came home from work and watched Oprah's webcast class with Eckhart Tolle, who wrote the book A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. A friend of mine is giving me the book this morning, and I'm really excited to start reading it. Who doesn't want to know what their life's purpose is? It sounds like the perfect book for me to be reading right now. I think that is what my therapist was getting at when she asked me to think of living my life without an eating disorder, but I just don't know how to do that quite yet. Right now, that is like asking me to imagine living my life as a blind woman. I'm still getting used to the idea, and feeling it out, but still afraid to let go of it completely. Last night Dave was mad at me because I didn't sit down to dinner and eat with the family. He has every right to be upset with me, but f...

Last week my therapist asked me to try to imagine what my life would look like if I no longer had an eating disorder. What would be different? For awhile, my mind was stuck on a different question. What would my life look like if I had never been raped? I probably wouldn't have an eating disorder. I wouldn't be me. Am I afraid of losing me...or finding me? I don't know what I want my life to look like. Right now, I'm just trying to get through the pain. I want to get through a week without the empty, blank spaces of time that steal the present. I want to cry, and be angry, and cry some more. I want to know that what happened to me mattered. That I matter. Otherwise, what was the purpose of lifting the silence?

This photograph was taken by a beautiful and courageous woman that I met while I was in treatment for an eating disorder at Renfrew. She also ended up becoming my roommate, and a friend that I will always cherish. She took this picture during a phototherapy class we were taking. For me it symbolizes reaching out for help. I struggled for so long, believing that it was a weakness to ask for help, but it takes courage to admit you are flailing. Often times we feel alone with our pain and shame, thinking no one will understand what we are going through. When I arrived at Renfrew, and met so many women like me, looking into their eyes, sharing their tears; they gave me so much hope and courage. Together we gained strength, and I will never forget any of them. Together We Are Strong Arriving alone shaken and scared it didn't take long for your hands to be there Reaching out through the pain Holding on to all who came And together we were strong Each voice shared a different song We grew...

I want to thank my friend Dana for sending me this article. There were so many women that I was in treatment with, especially college age young women, who were really struggling with alcohol abuse. I myself, am one of them. ~Starving Themselves, Cocktail in Hand~ The latest entry in the lexicon of food-related ills is drunkorexia, shorthand for a disturbing blend of behaviors: self-imposed starvation or bingeing and purging, combined with alcohol abuse . Drunkorexia is not an official medical term. But it hints at a troubling phenomenon in addiction and eating disorders. Among those who are described as drunkorexics are college-age binge drinkers, typically women, who starve all day to offset the calories in the alcohol they consume. The term is also associated with serious eating disorders, particularly bulimia, which often involve behavior like bingeing on food — and alcohol — and then purging. Anorexics, because they severely restrict their calorie intake, tend to avoid alcohol. Bu...

A Simple Thing The sun shines Warms the earth Such a simple thing to smile inside Warms the heart with gratitude for spring's arrival Such a simple thing Angela Minard 2008